Sure, I’ll watch a dumb fucking youtube video about cooking just to dunk on it. In my own head, or even luckier if my husband’s around, then I get to spend the next 15 minutes explaining to him that a lesser-known cooking hack is that some people toss Old Fashioned Oats in the food processor to break them down into a consistency similar to Quick Oats that can be used interchangeably in some applications.

But the dumb bitch in this video doesn’t know about it, and more importantly, she’s violated a multitude food media best practices that are just, well, really best practice! Like I knew she would. In a video that I chose to watch. Just to dunk on it. And it worked! I did! What I’m saying is, everything is trash, and one of these days I might just DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT—- but NOT TODAY!!!!

The ebb and flow of who eats most, but never all, of the box of Kellogg’s Frosted Mini-Wheats Little Bites Chocolate is a sine wave only Jesus Christ or His and our Heavenly Father, God, could possibly decipher. The only facts available are that I eat it with milk for breakfast; my husband eats it dry as a snack. Who will buy the next box? Probably me, it’s true, but I’ve accepted this fate with open arms. It has been written.

One time I asked my husband pick me up some Karo Light Corn Syrup at Fresh Grocer. I described the bottle and told him it would be near the maple syrup, not the baking supplies as one might think. He came home and said he looked everywhere and couldn’t find it. He even asked an employee, who said they don’t carry it. And I know he did. He is a good and honest man, and I know what he told me was the truth.

But it put me in a predicament. Though I was only mildly inconvenienced by the lack of corn syrup, I was downright furious at the employee who lied to my husband. I know for a fact that they carry that product. Everywhere carries it, like this exact Fresh Grocer, for example. But I had no proof. I sought my syrup elsewhere and resigned to go on with my day, and eventually my life.

That was until about six months later when I had finished up that bottle of Karo Light Corn Syrup and added it to my list of things to purchase at Fresh Grocer. The moment unfolded exactly as I imagined it. There it was, in its clear bottle with red and gold label with white writing, next to the maple syrup in the maple syrup and gluten-free granola aisle. They did stock it. I knew it.

Finally, I was vindicated. I had proof. I turned around, syrup in hand, to confront the employee who had lied to my husband, but he was nowhere to be found. It was, after all, six months later, and I had no description of the offender or name for which to ask. I had my corn syrup, but at what cost?

Roasting renowned yogurt brand Siggi’s after Adam went to bed for him to wake up to in the morning. Every night I send a reminder (from downstairs) that I can tear apart a national yogurt brand in one fell swoop at any moment to inspire him that he, too, has the agency to make change in his world every day!